Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I've about had it

I am thinking I was more than just a little crazy to ever think I could handle multiple kids. Maybe I should have stuck with my original plan.

Original Plan = no kids

Here's why... I am insane. I really, truly am.

Actually, I am going to start at the beginning.

My mom started a daycare in our home when I was 4 years old. On top of having 6 kids in our family we were swamped with at least 12 more kids- DAILY! (Well, except for the weekends- but we had to do our chores all day Saturday- or at least it seemed like it was all day.) Our house was crazy. As I grew up I had more and more responsibilities to help out with the daycare.

I'm not telling you this because I resent my mom for doing this. In fact, I now understand why she did it. She had a degree and for sure could have made more $$$ working in an office, but then she wouldn't have been home to raise us. I love my mom, and recognize that this was a total sacrifice for her. I'm just telling you my issues- remember that!

Back to my story.

By the time I was in high school I really hated going home after school. I didn't mind the evenings when the house was semi-quiet (really, how quiet can a family of 8 really be?) but when the daycare kids were there I dreaded life. (I really was a dramatic child/teenager. I wonder how I ever had any friends- but that is a story for another time.)

I remember one particular day. I was watching some of the kids inside while my mom was outside with a few others playing on the bikes and swingset. Mom popped her head in to check on me and the kids and I must have had the look of death on my face because she came in and sat down, facing me. Totally serious, she asked, "Are you ever going to have any kids of your own?" Totally serious back at her, "Probably not."

I think back on this and have to laugh. What was so horrible that I would say that? I know there are other reasons that I would say that but what happened that day that would make me give the Gramma of my kids a heartattack? My answer made her very sad. I am sure she was blaming herself for it, knowing that I had had just about all I could take of kids in general.

Once I met Hubby that attitude changed. Of course I was going to have kids. Of course we were going to have at least 4. Of course. Why wouldn't I? Umm, because I lack patience. Because I lack the desire to put myself second (or 6th in my case) all of the time. Because sometimes I just want to read in bed all day and not have to get up to get the kids going. Because I think that reading a book beats taking my kids to the park. What in the world? What am I thinking? I just have to get my head out of my hiney and buck up. These are my kids. I was in on the action to create them. I birthed them. I fed them, bathed them, and now I am raising them. So, even though I have my weekly NPSA meetings, I still know, in my heart they come first. I know that I need to be a better mom.

This week is just a really hard one for me. It seems that everyone and their dogs are going away for Spring Break. Around here everyone is constantly going on vaca............except for my family. We hardly could afford the last trip we made and now I am looking ahead to my anniversary this summer. Hubby and I were hoping for Hawaii (maybe see a little Crash and such). Now we are just hoping to decorate our room Hawaiian-style and get a babysitter for a night so we can fool around at our own private luau. TMI- sorry!

I strayed again, sorry. So, this week is Spring Break and the kids are home and I have had a tiny glimpse into what my summer is going to be like. I need help!

Back to my insanity thing. I now I am crazy. I've known this for YEARS. More than 20 years to be precise. Why would I ever think that I can handle raising kids when I can hardly get myself up in the morning? I love to just sleep and read and sleep some more and then read some more. That is peace to me.

Peace is not the screaming kids waking me up after only 5 hours of sleep. Peace is not my son throwing blocks at my daughter's head because she said something mean to him. Peace is not fighting all of my kids to get in their seatbelts so we can take a jaunt over to the store and post office (don't forget to get your taxes in the mail today- taxes are not my idea of peace either!).

Did any of you get through that whole post? Did anyone follow my thought process? Are you crazy like me? Thinking that because I was grown up I could handle the little ones? My daughter has a shirt that says "I'm in charge here. The parents are just for show." This is SO true!

Theme songs- Double header for today- both by Will Smith-
1) Parents just don't understand
2) Summertime