Wednesday, January 28, 2009

They walk among us... and they can vote

So, while my family was here over the holidays I was privied to a fabulously funny story, that I MUST share with the world. Forwarning- remove all eye makeup, you might laugh yourself to tears, I did. Hopefully I will be able to convey the hilarity of the story to all of my friends who visit this blog. We all could use a good laugh, right?

Okay, one of my sisters that live in California (we'll call her Jana- cause that's her name) has a neighbor. This neighbor was getting married to her longtime live-in boyfriend. Jana and most of the other neighbors and members of the church there were helping to plan the affair, hoping to make it a great occasion.

A little background is needed at this point in the story. This particular couple has some children. The family does not live the healthiest lifestyle, eating out every day, nothing ever homemade (not even spaghetti- I kid you not). They parents engage in less than healthy alcohol use and possibly some drug use (although I have not witnessed this myself so that is hearsay).

Back to my story- The wedding was taking place at our local church. In case you don't know, Mormons don't drink alcohol/coffee/tea. So, when the couple assumed they would be able to have an open bar IN the church, Jana had to quickly put the kibosh on that idea. Wow, that had to have been awkward. I mean, even though they don't live the guidelines of the church, they are baptized members, you would think that they would know that was not going to be happening. They were using the church for free, I wouldn't be complaining if I were them.

Anyhow, so as a gift for the happy couple, Jana decided to give them some kitchen items that would encourage a healthier lifestyle. Item such as a plastic lettuce knife, vegetable peeler, colander, and all the fixings for a salad, cutely arranged in a darling basket. This is a fab gift, don't you think?

Well, the wedding and reception went well, without too many issues, although there was some complaining from guests who were wondering where the booze was.

Now, fast forward to about a week later. The new groom was talking with another neighbor (not Jana) about the wedding. He said, and I am totally not kidding about this...

"Jana got us the weirdest present. It is a bowl with holes in it. What do you do with that? And a plastic knife that you use for vegetables or something. You can't eat cereal in it." All of this was said with a totally serious tone, and a look on his face like- "why would we want/need that."

For the love of all that is holy- how does he walk? Who doesn't know what a colander is? Even if you don't know the name of it, who calls it a bowl with holes? Jana's neighbor, that's who.

So, we are going to have a little lesson today, students. Since Kitchen 101 is obviously too advanced we are going to have to start with Kitchen 0. Here goes:

This is a COLANDER- say it with me- COLANDER. Also known as a strainer, you use it to rinse food or drain liquid (like when you cook noodles and need to drain the water off).
This is a vegetable peeler. Vegetables such as cucumbers, carrots and potatoes are often peeled before consumption.
If you really want to get fancy there are other styles of peelers, like these...

This is a lettuce knife.
It is useful for cutting? You guessed it, lettuce. Why would you cut lettuce, you ask? Oh, possibly to make a salad. What is a salad? Well, I am glad you asked.

This is a salad.
It is generally made with lettuce mixed with other vegetables like carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, etc. If you want to get fancy you can add hard-boiled eggs, ham chunks, shredded cheese, cottage cheese, peas, beans, whatever hits your fancy. There are also potato salads, pasta salads, jello salads and such, but this is Kitchen 0 so we won't get into that until Kitchen 101. All in time, students, all in time. We need to take baby steps.

Nowadays we are a people on the move. Life gets crazy and if you don't have time or the knowhow to actually make your own salad you can visit the produce section of your local grocery store and check out the bagged salad section. They look something like this-

Now, next week we will have a quiz on these items. Hopefully you will be able to identify these basic kitchen items. Once you can do this, I won't be quite as concerned that you are able to vote. I didn't say not concerned at all, just not quite as concerned.

Theme song- Stupid Girl by Garbage. So appropriate. Don't tell my kids I said Stupid, I will be told, "Mom, you said a bad word," by my language monitors, Jacob and Britin.